I tracked down a mondo-sized image that the GeoEye satellite took and marked my camp location accordingly. Click on image below to view mondo-sized image.
My camp from space!
Author: DhammaSeeker
The Pink Ride
On Thursday (02 SEP) I went on The Pink Ride led by Halcyon. The Pink Ride is a part of his Hug Nation movement that takes place both on and off the playa. At the core, Hug Nation is about advancing the notion that the world and those in it would rather hug you than hurt you. Halcyon is carrying forward the mission that he and his Grandpa Caleb started not long after 9/11, and it’s a beautiful thing.
We gathered at Pink Heart Camp around noon (playa time) and eventually made the ride to center camp where we essentially flash mobbed the place to hold an impromptu Hug Nation. Even the capoeira performers that we ambushed joined in the hug. I left shortly thereafter, but Halcyon then led the remaining contingent out to the Temple for more story telling and contemplative time. I definitely want to stick around for that next time.
There are many pics of The Pink Ride on Halcyon’s Flickr stream, but I’ve uploaded the ones where I found myself somewhere in the image.
I’ve got mail!
I sent myself a postcard from the playa, and it arrived today!
There is only one heart laid bare. It is yours. It is mine. And it shimmers darkly and drinks of the cool breeze as life is dancing all around.
There is only one heart laid bare. It is yours. It is mine. And it shimmers darkly and drinks of the cool breeze as life is dancing all around.
anonymous inscription on the Temple of Flux
There IS enough
This is the first year since 2002 that I have not posted the list of the victims names lost in the terrorist attacks on 11 SEP 2001. For whatever reason, I’m not feeling that’s the right action to take this year. As chance would have it, the video below was delivered to my inbox, and it is speaking to me to be posted on this special day. There IS enough love. When will all of us see it?
MC Yogi – Give Love (Giving4Living Mix) from MC Yogi on Vimeo.
Cost of Going to Burning Man
Ticket: $210.00
Rental Truck: $518.84
Gasoline: $284.72
Camping Gear: Incalculable
Gaining a new family and 50,000 new best friends: Priceless
Panoramic View From 7:45 & J
Here’s a very rough stitch of a panoramic view of Black Rock City 2010 as seen from the roof of my truck at approximately 7:45 & Jakarta.
This one time at Burning Man
What follows is a transcription from my journal of my Burning Man 2010 experience. Most of it is mundane, some of it is profound (to me anyway). Enjoy!
30 AUG 2010 12:14 – Fueled up @ Sams and heading North
30 AUG 2010 17:25 – Stopped at Bitter Creek Rest Stop
31 AUG 2010 02:39 – Leaving TA truck stop in Tooele, UT
31 AUG 2010 06:35 – Beowawe Rest Stop: Dawn is breaking in my rear view window.
31 AUG 2010 10:42 – Leaving Love’s Truck Stop in Fernley, NV.
31 AUG 2010 17:20 – Black Rock City 7:45 & J (mountain side back alley): Sitting down in camp for the first time. Setup is finally complete. The farthest I’ve ventured is to the Blue Room and back. I need to eat something and decide whether to shower before venturing beyond 7:45 & Jakarta.
31 AUG 2010 20:13 – Holy shit! What a completely beautifully absurd cacophony I just saw. I went touring just before sunset. Dropped off some stones for the wishing well project in Kidsville, and posted four of my ‘Keep Calm And Burn On’ posters in the two public plazas on 9:00 & 3:00. I’ll need to find the BRCBC camp. I think they may want some. The deep playa conditions are pretty crappy. I’m going to have thighs of steel or another hernia by the end of the week. Night is falling and the lights are coming on. After a cookie & cocktail break at camp, I’m heading back out.
01 SEP 2010 09:26 – I was exhausted when I arrived back at camp last night. I headed out to deep playa and found myself slogging through several inches of thick playa cruft. Lesson learned. My neighbor, Tom, says the late side of deep playa isn’t as bad as the right. I’ll go see. My solar Christmas light beacon wasn’t on when I got back, but there’s no way to troubleshoot without taking down the whole shade structure. Not happening! The weather has been fantastic ever since I arrived. I could not have asked for better conditions for setup. I modified some of my hanging ornaments on my bike this morning to be less jangly.
01 SEP 2010 some time before noon – I’m at the Temple and the emotional energy is palpable. Fucking unreal. I’m trying to let some catharsis flow out before I have a guardian shift lest I melt down and need assistance myself. I wrote my memorial to James, Corry, and Kat on the right most dune of the Temple where the rising sun will kiss it each morning until it is ashes Sunday night. This is a sacred space. A profound space. A beautiful space.
01 SEP 2010 first guardian shift (between 18:00-21:00) – I saw a unicorn silhouetted by the setting sun on the side of the Temple writing a memorial. A real fucking unicorn.
You blink, and the thing that was just there isn’t anymore. The sunset weddings add so much happy energy to compensate for the sorrow. The big canyon, though, whoa. So much intensity. It’s like a magnifying glass concentrating the rays of the sun. — Oh shit! It’s there again — a splendiferous long string of purple balloons attached to the back of an art barge.
Guardian shift was amazing. I didn’t do much for others, but it did so much for me. In the 8 o’clock hour, I took a seat on a bench in the big canyon and let the moment fill me. The internal lights came on, and shortly thereafter, the man next to me began playing a double ocarina in the most perfect way.
02 SEP 2010 morning in camp – There’s more to tell about last night, but I was too exhausted to write another word. (Neighbor Tom just gave me a hard boiled egg!) Back to last night: I had my first drunk bicycling incident. Thankfully I didn’t run into another person. I was the only dumbass involved. I realized that one of my glow sticks had turned off, so I reached down to turn it back on only to find that it had fallen off. I look up – shit – back corner of an RV – sudden stop. (Going on an impromptu art ride with Tom.)
02 SEP 2010 14:20 – Back at camp after a morning art tour with Tom (Until 12:00) and then Halcyon’s Pink Ride and Hug Nation at center camp. We also took part in the human peace symbol around the man at 11:41 for the satellite photo. I was next to a naked man.
Speaking of, a different naked man just walked by my camp with a plush green dinosaur. Much more dust plumes are blowing across the playa today, but my camp is up wind of 99% of them. When I got back to camp last night after the incident, I found a monstrous RV had nudged its way into the alley and parked it’s nose between two of my guy ropes. Nice people though. Naked dino man just walked back through.
02 SEP 2010 17:05 – Had a nice sit down with the neighbors. Back to Tuesday evening for a quick note: When I rode out onto the playa for the first time, there were these incredible kites up in the sky — just like I saw in my dreams.
03 SEP 2010 14:10 – Just got done reinforcing the rigging on the shade canopy. We’re finally getting some wind today, and when I got back from a juice gifting run, I found the PVC hoop all askew between the guy ropes. I brought out my spare rope and secured the PVC hoop on the windward side to the guy anchor to prevent it from blowing up the guy to the mast. Then I found one of the hoop joints had come undone, so a gorilla tape repair was in order. Now, as a reward, I’m trteating myself to the cold, fresh squeezed (frozen then thawed) orange juice gifted to me by Joy, Abby, & Enrique. So fucking refreshing! I need to get my post cards to a post office. I’ll go do that right after I finish my juice and take some ibuprofen. The knees are starting to hate me.
03 SEP 2010 17:27 – The post office desk clerk was exceptionally nice. I dropped the cards off at BRCPO2.Oh in the 9:00 plaza. Guy recommended I read Ken Wilber’s A Theory of Everything. I’ll have to pick it up from the library. I really over extended myself earlier today on my second juice gifting run. I rode out to the trash fence at the same time the wind was picking up. My vector of travel found me at the trash fence with a stiff headwind and shitty, shitty soft playa for much of the way back to the city. Lesson learned.
Story from this morning: I was sitting in the Blue Room finishing my daily business when I hear a whomp outside followed by a gal saying “eewww!” and a guy saying “it’s not so bad – just wait until it dries”. I thought it was a complaint by a hoverer about the wet conditions in the Blue Room since they had been recently serviced and hosed down inside. So I roll back into camp to find Abby disgustingly flicking playa mud off her thigh and arms. Turns out that she had stepped out of a Blue Room and wasn’t looking where she was stepping and walked directly into a giant mud puddle left by the servicing truck. Was it black water? Was it potable? Who knows! In any event, playa mud is disgusting. Being the gallant gentleman that I am, I offered her the use of my solar shower after learning they didn’t have any shower facility. Abby and Joy both partook of the baby pool and solar shower at the side of the truck, and no, Heather, I didn’t watch. I carefully sat my ass down out-of-sight around the corner. What kind of gallant gentleman do you think I am?! After they got cleaned up, they invited me to bring my breakfast over to their shade and Rebecca and Tom joined as well. Hilarious conversation ensued until such time as a giant, copper colored sea dragon art car drove down Istanbul and disbanded the gathering as we all got up to get a better look and some took a quick picture.
About 75 minutes until sundown now when I can get the dirt of the day off of me. Oh solar shower how do I love thee! I’m planning on hanging around camp for awhile tonight to let the knees rest and to keep an eye on the canopy until the wind dies down a bit. I’ve had to seal a couple more joints, and I’m sure there will be more. I need to start a page of notes for how to pack differently when I come back. (OH SHIT! Did I just commit to the universe a return trip to Black Rock City?)
03 SEP 2010 17:27 – Well, I was clean. For about an hour. Then the wind picked up again, and every square inch of me is covered in dust again. I was inside the Temple when conditions really changed. Thankfully I had forethought to change the lens in my goggles from gray to clear before leaving. The ride back to camp was beautifully surreal. Thank Jah for the lamplighters. Without the promenades being lit, there’s no way I, or anyone, could find their way to anywhere in these conditions. I did make it back to camp without hitting anything or anyone! Praise Jah also for my batting dust closures working inside the tent. The air inside is relatively clear compared to the outside, though the tent walls are a’shakin’! I checked with Tom, and he said that I indeed had made it to Burning Man in the current conditions. Going to listen to BMIR for awhile now.
04 SEP 2010 03:12 – Woke up just after 2 AM and the wind had stopped. I thought it wise to get out and inspect camp for any needed repairs before the wind kicks up again. Whenever that might be. To my pleasure (and surprise) the hoop was intact and nothing was dangling or awry. Then I took a ride over to the Blue Room, which is considerably less blue at 2 AM, and after that I rode the back streets for a bit to see what the vibe is at this hour of the day. Much, much quieter on the back streets. I did ride by this incredible camp that was playing some Native American flute and drum music and had beautiful lighting. I wouldn’t mind stumbling upon that again, though the odds of me finding are slim to none. Queen Mab calls again, so I’ll sleep until the sun wakes me.
04 SEP 2010 11:18 – It seemed like the sun hugged the horizon extra long this morning making shade a precious commodity during the breakfast hours. I made bacon and coffee and had tuna salad on crackers. Joy brought everyone more juice, and Enrique brought out a flat of danish rolls! Awesome second breakfast! We all sat around Rebecca’s place until about 10:45. It was nap time for the all-nighters and the wind and dust from exodus are really picking up. I’ll probably be in dust goggles most of the day I’m guessing. I think I’ll go find a bar to unload some more juice and soda.
04 SEP 2010 16:13 – I remembered how much I’ve enjoyed the live music put on nightly by camp HOTD on the 8:00 radial, so I left them the rest of my Kern’s and Squirt. I came back for a bite of lunch, and then I went over to Don’s camp (5:25 & I mountain side) to pass a few hours in conversation. The dust has been pretty persistent all day (so far) as I thought. The shade canopy is performing like a trooper though. Not even any more failed joints today (knock on wood)! I believe all of my camp family is packing up with intentions to leave tonight — some before and some after the man burns. It’s going to be a virtual ghost town tomorrow at 7:45 & J.48,915 was the population at 5 PM yesterday according to Radio Electra. They say it’s easily over 50,000 now. Jack ass in a neon green Borat banana hammock just took a leak on the playa in the rear wheel well of his neighbor’s pickup. What an ass! I’m getting hungry, and I need to get ready for my Temple Guardian shift tonight. Need water too.
04 SEP 2010 18:41 – On Guardian duty, saw Mario Valenti using his Zero Image 4×5 pinhole camera.
05 SEP 2010 00:32 – I can unequivocally say that this has been one of the best experiences of my life, but at the same time I cannot recommend it to anyone under any circumstances.* (see note at the bottom) These are the most inhospitable conditions known to humanity save for outer space, but fuck me, it’s the BEST. IT’S THE BEST! I need to go take down the shade canopy I just inherited before the RV that Claes is driving takes off. It will kite as soon as the RV is gone.
05 SEP 2010 01:07 – Task complete. As well as shade structure remediation. But let’s start at the beginning. I left for guardian duty in a dust storm and had to use the promenades to navigate there instead of a bee line. For most of the way there, visibility was … limited. There was ample activity at the Temple. I think I’m suited well for the sunset shift. My shift ended and I planned to watch the man burn from the Temple, but the desert had a different idea. The wind. Jesus, the wind! I was afraid that conditions would prevent the burn, but someone said “fuck it, let’s’ burn some shit” and so they did. The dust was so thick that the man was hidden from view from the Temple. I scooted my bike along the 12:00 promenade until I was close enough to see without being in the morass of crazy. There were some Jedi also stopped in the middle of the road, so I felt protected. I forgot to mention that I was sitting next to Buddha, my playa buddy, when I was leaning against the front facade of the Temple. I’m sure Shakyamuni could see through the dust and all that. I eventually decided that walking my bike was the best option for me and anyone else who may cross my path. I navigated through a sea of art cars and revelers trying to pick up the 9:00 promenade. Well I found myself at 6:00 & Esplanade. Better than 3:00 I guess! I then began the task of winding my way through the now severely deconstructed back streets of Black Rock City. I cannot even begin to describe my circuitous route other than to say at the exact moment that I was well and truly lost, I was, in fact, HOME! My playa miracle, and not a bad metaphor for the whole trip! “All who wander are not lost.” (Anonymous inscription on the Temple). I’m anxious to get back to Heather and the boys, but I have one more obligation to the Temple and the citizens of our fine Metropolis. Tomorrow will be devoted to packing and preparing for the Temple burn. For now, I am exhausted.
05 SEP 2010 11:44 – Remember to visit pinholecamp.org to see some of the images captured this year.
05 SEP 2010 13:37 – Rolling out of camp.
05 SEP 2010 14:07 – Arrived at first stop point on gate road. As I was packing up this morning, my heart was calling me back to Colorado. I didn’t want to be away for one more hour than necessary. Shortly after 11 AM, my head told me that for my safety and sanity, I needed to not work the Temple perimeter. My driving/rest timing would be ass backwards and not conducive to a power nap in Salt Lake City which would inevitably compound the bad times. So I resolved to continue packing up and head out during the afternoon. Yes, it’s possibly the worst time for wait times during exodus, but I’m working the solar clock – not a logic clock. I couldn’t bear the thought of getting as dusty as I did on Burn Night. I’m all for some dirty fun, but I have mud in my ears and caked on every sinus and throat surface I have. That and it’s starting to smell and my playa hands are screaming for me to get off this lake bed and back to a more normal pH situation.
05 SEP 2010 14:26 – Just got to the second stop point on gate road. I think I’ll have a bite to eat.
05 SEP 2010 15:54 – Had some tuna salad and a bag of chips. We’ve moved and stopped a few times more. Too hot to count. There was a couple asleep in their car in my lane, so we had to drive around them. Probably best to let them get rest instead of causing an accident later. I think I can see the final staging for everyone to get on 34 in single file. I’m now questioning my choice of time in leaving. I think I’m fucked by all options at this point. Moments like this are discouraging prospects of a return trip. On the other side of the coin, I just need to have my shit in better order next time! Ahh! I see the car cache in final queue is clearing. I hope we’re in the next batch. Just remembered I have 2 cans of champagne that I was gifted. I’m going to have them with Heather to celebrate my homecoming.
05 SEP 2010 16:21 – “If you have wood four feet or longer, take it to the man.” (heard on BMIR) Apparently the man needs a good dicking.
05 SEP 2010 17:13 – “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. I planned to fail a while ago, but I had a fucking great time.” (via the Snap, Crackle, & Pop show on BMIR)
05 SEP 2010 21:29 – Stopped in Mill City, NV for a nap. After a week of radically illuminated nights, the reflective guides on I-80 kept morphing into BRC fare to my fatigued eyes. Goodnight.
06 SEP 2010 02:12 – Woke up from power nap. Going to fuel and void and get rolling again.
06 SEP 2010 02:42 – Rolling out of TA truck stop in Mill City, NV.
06 SEP 2010 11:42 – Echo Canyon, UT, rest stop. Riddle: Does playa smell like shit, or does shit just smell like playa now that so much of it is inside all of us?
06 SEP 2010 15:15 – Somewhere in the middle of Wyoming. Jesus. These last 300 miles are killing me!
06 SEP 2010 21:00 – HOME SWEET HOME!
* The subtext to this statement is this: If someone thinks they want to come to Burning Man, it cannot be based on the account of my experience. That is a responsibility that I disavow. It must be a calling inside of themselves that will enable them to surrender to the conditions and endure what may come in order for them to find their own ecstasy in Black Rock City (the double rainbow kind, not the MDMA kind).
Keep Calm And Burn On
Absolute last minute inspiration led me to print some of these to affix to various metropolitan surfaces in Black Rock City (with permission of course). Please feel free to copy and replicate.
A message from Ben Moody…
please repost anywhere you think it might reach more evanescence fans…
My name is Ben Moody, founding and former member of Evanescence.
I’m not someone who partakes in online communities, nor do I scour message boards or read reviews of my work and I almost never read comments posted to videos on YouTube.
However, I was showing a friend the video for We Are The Fallen’s introductory single, “Bury Me Alive” on YouTube. I couldn’t help but notice that there have been over 4,000 comments posted. Curiosity got the better of me and couldn’t help but find out what in the world about a music video could merit months and thousands of individual comments of discussion.
I have never been one to give any credence to the often overly critical and unnecessarily malicious opinions of anonymous masses online. Nor have I been emotionally affected any of the countless times that criticism and malice have been directed at me. I don’t obsess about what people whom I’ve never met have to say about me. And I am NEVER moved to respond, defend, or even acknowledge all of the countless misperceptions and inaccuracies about my life. But, for some reason, I am compelled to break my silence. I have no doubt that many of you will misinterpret this as a prideful attempt at vindication. But the truth is my only hope here is to maybe, possibly restore some grace and peace to something that means more to me then anyone realizes.I am literally overwhelmed at not only the impression of my new band We Are The Fallen amongst Evanescence fans worldwide and the assumptions of our intent, but in the relentless perseverance of a misunderstanding that has grown into something so dividing and malicious that I simply can’t be silent anymore.
Out of more than 4100 comments, 4000 of them were nothing but the same comments regurgitated over and over again engaging in a ridiculous WATF vs EV / Ben vs Amy debate.
The only motivation I have to set the record straight after all these years of silence is the refusal of such a huge number of Evanescence fans to move on and focus on what is important….even though the only two people involved in the split of Evanescence did so years ago.
The appearance of WATF and the appertaining resurgence of such intense feelings has left me feeling as though I need to set the record straight before this unfounded drama gets out of hand. Ironically, it’s the same passion that drives some of you to feel so strongly that confirms in me it is worth saying anything at all. So here it goes…For once, I am not going to paint the sugar coated pleasant version of events. I’m going to tell you exactly what happened in October of 2003. There is no doubt a great many of you will cling to your opinions and assumptions regardless of what I have to say. That is your right…though it takes a great deal of foolishness to assume your version of an event is correct even when in direct conflict with the account of those involved.
Amy Lee and I began our friendship and creative relationship in our early teens. Our meeting was the sole determining factor that set our lives and what we believed to be our destinies on their course. It was exciting, rewarding, and more motivating than any other relationship in my life. When we made our first recording together, I knew what my life was meant for. And I never looked back. Shortly after we found our missing piece and my lifelong musical soul mate, David Hodges. It was years of the three of us revolving our worlds around each other and our band that gave birth to Evanescence. In our 5th year, we began to finally get the music we all longed to make from our head to tape. And though everyone we knew didn’t understand our relentless drive to make this our lives, the three of us never wavered in our determination to bring something into this world we believed to be bigger than all of us. I maxed out credit cards to buy us enough gear to make our first cd, which would lead to signing with Wind Up. When I couldn’t pay the bills, David and I lost our apartment. We slept wherever we could, including many nights I spent in the bed of a pickup truck, until Amy graduated and we could all move away to follow our dreams. None of it mattered to me. I’d give up anything. Eventually we found ourselves signed, living in L.A., writing “Fallen”. The three of us living together, doing everything together. we were all we had. But a cruel fact of life is that the person you are at 15, doesn’t resemble the person you are at 18, and 21….and today I in no way resemble the person I was when i was in Evanescence. I did everything in my power to put that person in the ground. Sometimes you grow together, and sometimes you grow apart. We were very young people in a very stressful situation.. and we were becoming two very different people. I believe we both contributed to the resentment of the deterioration of our friendship that quickly turned into a downward spiral of animosity, conflicting opinions, and a very volatile environment. By the time we went on tour to support “Fallen”, it sadly was over. We had parted ways with David, nearly severing the relationship with the someone that was a brother to me. In that time, being so young and on this amazing ride, I became someone I didn’t like. And had no power to change. I’d like to believe that looking back, Amy would have handled things differently now as well.
Ironically, it was Amy and my absolute equal devotion to Evanescence that drove us to such extreme opposition. We had such opposing desires and personalities that mixed with the pride of youth and inexperience (and an extreme amount of insecurity and loss of direction on my part) led to an all out war. We were completely blind to the fact that we were poisoning the very thing we held most dear. I was an awful person, and Amy reacted in kind. On the night of October 22, 2003 everything came to a head. And through my fit of rage and desperation I put the nail in the coffin of Evanescence. At that time, there was no way we would ever complete another record together. It was highly probable we wouldn’t last the remainder of the tour. Neither one of us willing to back down. Every emotion I felt manifested itself as anger. I was devastated by what we had become. Everything I based my existence on, an unreachable dream come true… was a nightmare. And I was powerless to stop it. We were so passionate about Evanescence and so determined in our opposing desires for the future, that my once best friend and I had become enemies.
By the end of that evening, I saw for the first time what we were not only doing to ourselves, but what our war was doing to everyone around us. We fought dirty, and Evanescence paid the price. I couldn’t sleep. If one of us didn’t leave, my one chance to leave something in this world greater than myself would be lost. I had tried before, out of ignorance, pride, and resentment to convince Amy that she should leave. That we’d be better off and Evanescence didn’t need her. I was hurt, and wanted her to hurt like me. Amy, if for some reason you happen to see this… I hope you know I never truly believed that. There was no way I would ever let someone walk on that stage and sing your lyrics. I had become a shell of myself. Even if I was foolish enough to attempt it, it would have never provided me with my truest desire…for Evanescence to continue. It would have become a joke. As I sat on the bus that night in absolute shame and defeat, there was no escaping the truth. EIther I leave, or Evanescence dies. It broke me in a way I could never truly describe. My entire existence, my self worth, my identity was this music, this band. If my life is to mean anything, Evanescence has to mean something.For some reason there has been a widespread opinion that my departure was a “betrayal” or “abandonment” and against the will of the band. I have no idea where this came from, as on the night of the 22nd, Amy made her wishes clear, sending me a message saying, and I quote, “Get on a plane, and never come back.”
Hearing those words, I was overcome with the reality that I had allowed myself to become someone that my once best friend would feel that way about. It is deeply saddening that such a huge number of you viewed my departure with such animosity and distain. Here are a few major truths that escaped almost all of you…
I left so that Evanescence would continue.
What did i leave?
What was the significance?
Everything I based my life on. My dreams. My future. The music I loved most in this world. It’s as if no one even considered the fact my life now had no plan or purpose. Walking away meant forfeiting a winning lottery ticket. A dream so big it’s unfathomable it would even happen once in a lifetime. Millions of dollars. Years of security. And the one and only chance to truly realize the reward of of all my work, faith and dedication. My fucking identity. Less than one percent of the very few people throughout history to achieve such a dream could even fathom a sacrifice like this. Getting on that plane meant when I landed, every single thing my life was built upon was gone. And there was no delusion or hope that I would ever reach that pinnacle again. Try and imagine being in that position for a moment. It is remarkably rare that a person is ever faced with a decision like that in a lifetime. And to top it all off, I was just a fucking kid.Not only did I give Amy exactly what she wanted, and Evanescence exactly what it needed, but I did everything in my power to ensure I didn’t cause a single speed bump on their massive ride to worldwide success. I went quietly and peacefully. Evanescence didn’t miss a single show. There was absolutely no argument over rights and ownership. I owned 50% of the trademark and property value of the now very valuable brand of Evanescence. I gave it to Amy free and clear. I asked for no buyout, no negotiations. Just a clean break. When resentment led to slanderous and sometimes completely false statements about me in the press… I said nothing. When the very fans I had such a deep connection through the music I helped create with decided that it was mandatory to pick a side, leading to an overwhelming backlash of distaste for me… I said nothing. For seven years I made every effort to bring no drama to Evanescence. No one… NO ONE could have made it a smoother, more gracious, or more generous dissolution.
After rebuilding my life and career, through years of hard work, expanding my musical horizons and many many dark times of confusion and depression…I have my life on a new path. I’m very content with my career and personal relationships. The only thing missing from my life was the satisfaction of playing the music I love most live.. with people I like and who like me. In this time Evanescence has progressed a great distance from the original sound..and made it clear that they intended to expand much further. Amy is very artistic and never has had a problem thinking outside of the box and defying expectations. So I called the guys up. I say, “Fuck it. Why deny ourselves the experience of doing what it is we do best?” After an extensive search we were very fortunate to find what we looking for. Contrary to almost every Evanescence fan’s opinion… what we were looking for was NOT an Amy Lee look alike. Nor was it someone who would wear Amy Lee’s clothes, or try to sing like Amy Lee. I hate to break it to you, but this is about 5 people, who love to make music together. Does “Tear The World Down” have many stylistic similarities to “Fallen”? Sure. You want to hear me do something different? How about the songs I wrote on both Daughtry records. Or Kelly Clarkson. Or Avril Lavigne. Celine Dion. Halestorm. Hana Pestle…hell…I even have COUNTRY releases. My solo record is as far from Evanescence as it gets, which has a lot to do with why about 12 people own it. I made Evanescence music to leave a mark on this world. Everything else I do, I do for me. I LOVE playing in WATF. In several thousand of the comments I read yesterday the song of the day seemed to be “Ripping Amy Lee. Trying to be Evanescence. Just a total copy of Evanescence. Get your own sound. She’s trying to sound like Amy. Wishes he was in Evanescence.” well….I don’t wanna be the guitar player for Evanescence… I WAS the guitar player in Evanescence. If I appear to be reminiscent in style, its because it’s written and performed by the very same damn people. It’s not rocket science…it’s plain and simple. Rocky, John and I playing together just doesn’t come out any other way. Accusing me of ripping off myself is just silly. If you take half a second to really take in to consideration the facts… If I intended to compete with Ev I would have done it oh…. about seven fucking years ago. And it is this presumption that I’m somehow trying to start a war with Evanescence that demands my rebuttal.
If you truly believe, that after the most selfless sacrifice I’ve ever made in an attempt to atone for the person I had become, YEARS of taking the high road and the endless verbal bashings I still receive TO THIS DAY that i never defended myself against.; that I would then spend another year and a half and a sizable financial investment to launch this band just to reignite a fictional feud between myself and Amy Lee after ALL I DID TO GO IN PEACE….If you TRULY believe that’s even plausible; then you are lost. And you are wrong.
Every single bit of success that Evanescence achieves, is a success for me. Every cd they sell (with or without my contributions), every venue they sell out, strengthens the one great thing I did with my life. Ensuring my sacrifice wasn’t in vain. I want nothing more in this world than for Evanescence to have decades of success and connection with the millions of people that connected to our music. It is absolutely absurd that anyone would think otherwise.
It has been the greatest disappointment and hurt of my life that the very people that so passionately supported my life’s work, who gave me the strength to walk away, were so quick to make me the villain. And even though Amy Lee, the one you hold so dear, has TOLD YOU ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS that the happiest she’s ever been in the band was after my departure…you make her a victim. She has absolute empirical control of the creative direction of Evanescence for the rest of her life. I literally handed everything over without fighting for a thing. Yet all I’ve heard for seven years is “Ben Moody is an asshole for leaving. Ben Moody is douche. Ben put Amy through hell and betrayed her.” I honestly thought eventually you’d all move on, but WATF has apparently incited an uprising. Though some of you will continue to disagree, and contradict this…the absolute 100% unavoidable FACT of the situation is that you still have Evanescence SOLELY because I was willing to leave. And I refuse to sit silent while while a great number of you insist on making something that should be so wonderful and positive in to this bullshit. Evanescence is bigger than that. It’s bigger than Amy Lee. It’s bigger than Ben Moody. It can still be something special. So many of you seem to be fighting a war that doesn’t exist. Amy is happy! I am happy! Why is it that so many of you refuse to acknowledge that?
Do I expect gratitude for what I’ve done, or an apology for the resentment I’ve been shown with absolutely no basis?
No.
Do i deserve it?
Absolutely.
So I’ll skip a step…
You’re welcome that I gave it all away, so that the connection I felt with you all through music might not die. Standing on that stage every night playing these songs and seeing so many people sharing the same experience was the greatest joy I’ve ever known. When I left, the biggest part of me died. That those same people couldn’t see that and abandoned me overnight, is the greatest heartache I’ve ever had to endure. I have no way of repairing what has been done. It is done.
Evanescence is in no way threatened or concerned by WATF, and WATF is in no way threatening. Having a band almost a decade later that I can make the music I love with on such a minuscule scale compared to EV just to be happy…is pretty goddam little to ask. Do any of you really think I’m trying to steal thunder from Evanescence or defeat Amy Lee at some stupid pissing contest? It’s asinine to even think it’s possible. You don’t like it? That’s fine. You think listening to WATF or enjoying WATF or simply leaving it be is somehow betraying your loyalty to EV? That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. But neither WATF nor EV agree with you. This need to pick a side is only real in your head. I just want to play. This is what the music I make sounds like. And for the first time in a very long time, I’m happy. i just wish you’d spare yourselves so much wasted time and energy tearing everything down. We don’t care. And that’s energy and passion you could put towards something positive.
I love Evanescence. If there were anyway in the universe I could go back and do things differently.. I’d pay any price. But I have never been stronger in my resolve and belief that I made the right decision for everyone. You don’t have to agree with or believe me, but for everyone’s sake hopefully at least some of you will take a hint from Amy and myself….and just move on.
I wish Amy Lee and Evanescence a lifetime of success and happiness. And I hope you all will continue to find a kindred spirit in both Evanescence, and other Evanescence fans.And hey… if you decide you’re willing and able to drop this imaginary competition between us two…Who knows? You just might be able to enjoy both.
I certainly do.Sincerely,
Efanar
